32 jokes

 

jokes

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents.
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me.
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together.
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me!!
Me: next to my house.


Boy- The principle is so dumb
Girl- do you know who i am?
Boy- no
Girl- i am the principles daughter
Boy- do you know who i am?
Girl- no
Boy- good (walks away)


3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"



boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
boy: "Mommy?"
mom: "What?"
boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"
mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."
boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"



Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." 
Patient: "Go with the good news first." 
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." 
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?" 
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."


For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.


Father: What's up son?211
Boy: dad do you believe in ghosts?174
Father: Of course not son, ghosts don't exist!!132
Boy: But the maid said that we have ghost here.82
Father: Son, pack your things.56
Boy: b...but why?36
Father: We don't have a maid!


Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.


Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.


A couple is driving...
Cop: Sir, you realize that you were speeding.
Husband: Im sorry officer, I didnt know.
Wife: What the hell, thats a lie Ive been telling him for miles!!
Husband: Shut up!! Shut the f*ck up!! No one is talking to you!!
Cop: Ok then, did you know that your license plate was expired?
Husband: No Officer, I didnt know.
Wife: He's lien!! I've been telling him for months!!
Husband: Shut the hell up BITCH nobody's talking to you!!!
cop walks over to the wife's side and says
Cop: Mam, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: No. only when he's drunk.



A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?" The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."



Me : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend : uhhhhhh
Friend : What was it called ?
Me: Finding Nemo


Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.


"Why are you so quiet?"
Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"


I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.


Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."


Grandpa: "Go hide, your
teacher is here because you
skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"


To do list:
1. Buy a sword
2. Name it Kindness
3. Kill people with Kindness


Me: I bet you can't say the alphabet faster than me.
Friend: challenge accepted A B C D E F G H I....
Me: the alphabet
Friend: you son of a b*tch...


Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl.
Friend: Who?


Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!


Bella: You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are.
Edward: Say it...Out loud...Say it!
Bella: A Snowman...


Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!


I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I  heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!


Boy: Dude that party was wicked
Friend: You were drunk outta your mind
Boy: I was not drunk
Friend: Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"


A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.


Mom : come spend time with the family .
Me : goes and sits with family
Me : gets insulted by everyone
Me : goes back to room


Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: I'm late?
Teacher: You missed an entire period.
Student: Are you telling me I'm pregnant?


Teacher: "It's better to fail than to cheat!"
Me: "Lol no b*tch. It's better to cheat than to repeat"


Teacher: Can you explain why you failed the test?
Me: Can you explain me why you fail to educate?


Boy: hey I just saw you on t.v last night.
Friend: really?!?!?! what channel?!?!?
Boy: Animal planet


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sunflowers are yellow,
I bet you were expecting something funny but no,
This is just gardening facts.


teacher: were is your homework ?
me: its at home.
teacher: and whats it doing there ?
me: well obviously having more fun than me...


Math teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other. What do I have?
Me: A drinking problem


Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."


Mother said to the father "please have a word with our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad".


Dad: Can you go get me a drink?
Kid: Cola or Pepsi?
Dad: Cola.
Kid: Normal or dietary?
Dad: Normal.
Kid: Bottle or Can?
Dad: Bottle! 
Kid: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Screw it, just buy me a water!
Kid: Normal or carbonated?
Dad: NORMAL!
Kid: Warm or cold?
Dad: Get out!
Kid: Now or later?
Dad: I'm going to kill you !
Kid: Knife or gun?
Dad: Gun!
Kid: In the head or body?
Dad: Fuck you!


Student: "would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "of course not."
Student: "good cause, I didn't do my homework..."


Police officer: Where were you between 4 and 6?
Me: Kindergarden


I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.


M.A.T.H: MENTAL ABUSE TO HUMANS.


Me: Mom I got an A in Chem!
Mom: WTF well done!
Me: Mom, what do you think wtf means?
Mom: Well that's fantastic












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